First Query Letter: Does it sound alright?

I would say that is a good first query letter. It gives the pertinent information right in the first paragraph and the bulk of the story. The only thing is you can tell the ending. This is a blurb but it is also the initial introduction of your mcript to the literary agent / editor/ publisher. Including the ending is alright as they need to know if it is going to be something they wish to invest a little more time in. (at least I've heard it is ideal to include all the mysteries, twists and turns).